Last night I went to a red carpet movie premiere, and had to walk the red carpet. The same one with Robert Pattinson and that Witherspoon lady on it.
I did this because I hate myself and have no respect for the institution of celebrity.
I'm not really a 'red carpet' kind of guy. And I'm not even using that as a euphemism. Although red hair kind of scares me too. Unless you're wearing it ironically in which case FUCK YEAH you're so post modern it hurts.
The premiere was for the movie Water for Elephants which by all accounts is amazeballs. I'd originally thought it was a documentary about a herd of pachyderms who had to navigate their way across Africa in a convoy of Range Rovers looking for a new watering hole.
Turns out I was wrong. Elephants don't drive. But if they did, they'd never forget. Like riding a bicycle. Which they don't ride either.
I accepted the invitation to walk the ridiculously long red carpet for two reasons. One, I thought it was hilarious that anyone would let me and two, my sister is in Year 12 and I wanted to see the look on her face when I told her I'd be walking right past Robert fucking Pattinson.
I told her over the phone but I imagine she was sporting the same look as somebody who had just been punched in the face with a lemon. Kind of like this :0
Problem was, of course, I had no one to go with. Not a soul. I don't really do social functions on my own. Can you imagine being the unfashionable guy walking it on his own? If it was an Angelina premiere, maybe I'd have a chance of being adopted, but it wasn't.
But then I found a friend on Twitter who was also going. And we totally fucking rocked it.
I had arrived straight from work and bar the addition of a blazer, it looked like I was about to walk into a pub in Boonah. And I think I became the first person in the world to walk a red carpet with a laptop bag over my shoulder. I was also carrying a giant fuck off book as well but managed to hide it in friend's handbag so people didn't think I'd become lost on my way to university.
We walked right past R-Patz and it was kind of nice on two levels. One, I pretended all those girls were screaming at me. That's certainly never happened to me, even at my most faux-heterosexual. It's the kind of oh this fire blanket does nothing scream you hear in movies or stunt shows. Two, I totally overtook R-Patz on the red carpet. He didn't know it was a race but I won the shit out of that race.
Oh, and after all that, a lovely lady whom I don't know that well tweeted me today and said she recognised me. ME. On the red carpet.
I totally should have got my hair did.