And I shall call him Tulip.
So I was shooting the breeze around the Mamamia office the other day when I asked where in time our crew might like to visit, should they ever have the chance. Any time period. In history.
I know, right? What a fascinating question!
Except the answer from two of them was none. They wouldn't like to time travel. Ever.
OK. Two things. First, I'm not asking them to try fish lungs in Bosnia. You can go wherever you want. It just so happened that I wanted to see what the dinosaurs looked like (hopefully pretty!) but neither could fathom why anybody would want to.
That's fine. Riding a triceratops is not for everybody, and I was born without the gene that tells me not to do phenomenally stupid things. Sweet, I get it. But maybe they would want to go visit a castle in Victorian England, or something? Play a practical joke on a King by taking his picture on a digital camera, pretending you have his soul and then trading it for his entire kingdom?
I know. I'm a fucking riot. But no.
One asked: will there be Twitter there? I don't know, it's a bloody hypothetical question! You can take a My Little Pony for all I care. You can do the Macarena in front of a mirror holding a video of you doing the Macarena while Los Del Rio watch on and end the universe as we know it if you really want. You know why? Because it's a hypothetical question.
I've always been rather fascinated by time travel. My mum, ever the hilarious she-wizard, used to joke and wave her fingers around all spookily and say 'but you're time travelling now...into the fuuuuuuuutuuuuure'!
Which is about the lamest thing she's ever done. But that's the natural course of time. That's like trying to tell me getting milk from the corner store is a road trip. It's not a road trip unless you cover more than 1000km and set fire to a barn in your sleep.
I want to go into the past. I want to interrupt the Gettysburg Address with several 'meows' at inopportune moments and see if it makes it into the transcript. I want to yell at a peasant.
I want to take my hipster friend to the very beginning of time itself as the universe explodes forth and expands and watch his reaction to see if he's 'seen better'. Ingrate.
If I ever invent time travel I will come back to this moment while I am writing this post and make it even better with my future words.
Oh. My. God. It's happened.