Former Rick, you were an unmitigated tosser

This.

Hey, 14-year-old Rick, you're an uncompromising idiot.

So it turns out my Hotmail email address which I created when I was 14 years old has been hacked. I'm not at all surprised that my Hotmail email was hacked. I am surprised, however, that it took a decade. Seriously, having a hotmail email address is like driving an unlockable car through a Safari park covered in meat.

The password has been changed, you see. This saddens me so. I'd very much like to get in there and tinker with it except 14-year-old me was a supreme fuckwit who set the 'reset' personal question to something that really isn't that personal.

Seriously. Younger Rick wants Current Rick to know the answer to 'a Certain German toy'.

You sick fuck!

Now, let's unravel the details here. I was studying German. I did not, however, have an illicit collection of dildos or paraphernalia of questionable Germanic origin. I may have had a plush toy collected from my school trip to Germany but there is no way in hell I'm going to remember it a decade later when I can't even remember my PIN number on a the debit card I use every day.

That password reset question is like a Horcrux in which I have stored a little piece of my twisted, 14-year-old self.

Why couldn't I have chosen a regular one like 'what is your mother's maiden name' or 'why are you such a ridiculous numpty'?

It's not like I even use the email anymore. I haven't in about seven years. But I used to like going in once a year - like Indiana Jones and the Temple of Spam - to rummage around and see what utter crap I used to email my friends about in 2001.

14-year-old Rick: you are a know-it-all little prick. Oh, I know, let's make up a question that has scant relevance to the real world because I'm 14 and it won't matter because my mind is supple and unravaged by the slings and arrows of insobriety.

I wanted to read those emails you crafty loser. Now how am I going to know in precisely which order I used emoticons when emailing the boys in class who I secretly liked but was too ashamed to tell?

That rose emoticon was a deadly weapon of unrequited digital lust. And now my wanton use of it has been lost forever because you were a dick.

Well, 14-year-old self, I'm going to hand it to you straight.

In the next ten years you are going to sink into a pothole of miscellaneous debt, drop out of university, be involved in an excruciating 'coming out' process and be implicated in the death of your cockatiel.

Yeah, who's the winner now!

Wait.